I've been thinking about the future lately. A lot.Now that I'm at a point in my life where I feel a bit more settled (ie: own a home, have a stable job), I feel like it's time for me to start thinking about my future.
Part of me feels like I'm ready to settle down. And the other part of me is scared out of my mind. The thought of being proposed to scares the H E double hockey sticks out of me. And planning a wedding is just something I don't even think I have the money or time for. But what I really want, more than anything, is to just be married.
I want to come home to the same person every day. And know that after a long day of work, there's going to be someone at home waiting for me. Sometimes when I come home to an empty house, it's so depressing and sad. I want someone to curl up with at night and watch tv in bed. I want someone to wake up with every morning. Someone who I can hit the snooze button with and just lay with a few minutes longer. I want someone to travel with. There are so many awesome vacation places that I want to go to and I want someone to share that with. It's awesome to see these places with friends, but it's another thing to go with someone you love. I want someone to come home with after movies and dates. Coming back to my house alone after a night out just makes it sad.
Does this even make sense?
Paul and I don't usually talk about this stuff. It definitely makes him uncomfortable. But I'm 25. I can't help but keep thinking about this stuff. I just feel like I'm ready to move on to the next phase of our lives. I do get where he's coming from, though. I know he wants to make sure everything's all set in his life before he moves on. But I'm just afraid that it's not going to be for a few more years. And to be completely honest, I don't know if I am willing to wait years before he's ready. Everytime I ask if he thinks we'll get married, he says "maybe" or "I don't know." I guess that's just not good enough for me. I do love Paul. More than anyone I've ever been with before. I can definitely see us being together forever. I see myself coming home to him at night, raising a family with, and just being with him. I think that's what he sees, but just in a different time frame than me. I don't want to wait 5 more years.
It's not to say I need to be proposed to right now. I don't need to get married tomorrow or even within the next year. I guess I just need confirmation that I am the "one" and that this is it for him. He kind of alluded to that tonight when he asked about jobs and stuff. But it seems like life for him is going to be up in the air for the next 2-3 years. That scares me. It's ok that he doesn't know...I don't care what job he has or what level of education he has...I just want to be with him. I don't know if he gets that, I think he does, but I just need a confirmation.
Last week we had this discussion where he got super upset when I started talking about my friends' engagement rings. It led to him alluding that I was shallow. I don't think I'm shallow (have you seen that I still drive a Focus and am totally ok with buying clothes at Target). What I mean when I talk about the engagement ring is this. Every girl dreams of the engagement ring her Prince Charming will give her. I know that whatever ring I am presented with is going to be the most beautiful ring that I have ever seen. That being said...the ring is a lifetime investment. It's not a car. It will appreciate in value. Everyone you know will see this ring. You want to have someone that you will be proud to show everyone. You clearly want to have something that's nice. This is the most important, expensive, and memorable piece of jewelry you will ever wear in your lifetime. This is clearly not the time to skimp or "downsize" in order to save money. Nor do I expect someone to save every penny for the next year to afford a diamond that's excessive. This is what I want: I want you to buy me something that you can afford, that you think is awesome, and that you think I'll love and be so excited to wear FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Because that's what it's about...being together for the rest of your life. But in case you were wondering and allow me to have a shallow moment...I love 6 prong round diamonds (it makes them look round and not square) or the asscher cut (it's so pretty and different!). Also, I don't really like the 3 stone rings...they're just kind of cheesy and everyone I know has one.
So here's what it all boils down to: Paul, I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I don't need 4 carat diamonds or promises that you'll propose to me at Christmas...I just want you. I'm willing to move if that's what it takes for you have a job that you like. I'd try (almost) anything if it makes you happy. And I hope that's what you want too.
No comments:
Post a Comment