4 years

For today to pass by without a mention doesn't seem appropriate, yet I don't really have the words to express how I feel.

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my Grandma Jay's passing into Heaven.

Coping with the loss of a loved one is hard. In your heart, you know that person is gone. Your heart breaks and slowly heals itself. Well, I don't think it heals itself, it just slowly figures out how to function without the physical presence of that person. I imagine it's like losing a limb. You mourn the loss of the limb and while you never really get over it, you kind of just learn how to live life without it.

Your mind, on the other hand, plays some tricks on you. Your head is supposed to be the rational part. But it also holds all kinds of wonderful memories. The kind that trick your heart into realizing all that you have been missing.

There have been a few moments this year where I truly forgot that Grandma wasn't here with us. And my heart broke, all over again. Visiting Grandpa for dinner one night, I walked into his house and as I was walking into the living room, for a split second, I thought Grandma was going to be sitting in her chair, waiting for me to come give her a hug. Realizing she wasn't going to be there hit me like a ton of bricks.

Memories can be wonderful and painful all at the same time. Everytime I see a nutcracker, I think of Grandma. How she loved them and how she had a huge collection. And I remember decorating Grandma's house for Christmas. Dan, Pete, and I would go over to their house the day after Thanksgiving, and we would put up the tree, anyway we wanted. And no matter how awful or wonderful it looked, Grandma would clap her hands and tell us how beautiful it was. and how much she loved it.

I know that when I think of Grandma, I think of her saying "hel-lo!" on the phone and giving us all kinds of candy, and big hugs. And that always makes me smile.

Sometimes I can't believe it's been 4 years since she left us. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. It has to only be a year or two. But other times, I can't believe that it's only been 4 years. It seems like I haven't seen or hugged her for an eternity.

I hope that Grandma knows how much we love and miss her. But I know that she's looking down on all of us from Heaven.



I wrote this in my old journal and was so glad that I came across it today. So I think it's appropriate to add at the end.

Grandma,

It's hard to believe that we said goodbye to you a few days ago. While we knew that the day would come, I must admit, it's been hard to let go. You have meant so much to so many of us and saying goodbye seems so final. How do we face the reality that we'll never again see your smile, hear you laugh, or listen to you tell us funny stories.

Where ever you are right now, know that I'll always have the memories of you to take with me for the rest of my life. I thought I'd share some of my favorite ones with you:

- Dad was right, for 53 years you made Grandpa believe that he was in charge. But I know for a fact, you got every single thing you could ever want. Thanks for teaching me how charm my way into the things I want!

- When I hated my glasses (and I still do) you made me feel like I looked like a million bucks! No matter what I looked like, you always would say "you look lovely in your glasses." And even when I got contacts, you made me feel great too. I'll never look in the mirror without thinking of you saying "Sarah, you look lovely in your contact (glasses)."

- Your lazy susan. You used to keep the entire bulk candy section of Tops right in your kitchen. You would always feed us the best candy. Those mini licorice, red and black, candy bars, gummy worms, bit o honeys, and god knows what else will always have a place in your kitchen. I know Danny and I share a love of candy thanks to you!

- Microwave popcorn. You were the first person to give me microwave popcorn. I remember sitting in your kitchen and putting the package in the microwave. You never let us touch the hot popcorn no matter how hard we begged. Then you'd put it into those chicken wing bowls.

- Christmas. By far your favorite holiday. While you're watching over Grandpa, see if you can soften him up and convince him to celebrate it again. It would be a shame if he missed out remembering all the fun times we used to have. Dan and I loved looking forward to decorating your tree right after Christmas. Pete would be there and you let us do whatever we wanted. We could put the decorations any way we wanted and no matter how it looked, you absolutely loved it! I remember that my job used to be to put that paper christmas tree up with the tape. I loved that thing! We'd all be in the basement putting everything up and listening to carols. Then we'd all be together on Christmas Eve, eating more candy than we could ever imagine. We'd get really great presents too. You and Grandpa always thought about something fun to get us!

- Spending the night. I was terrified to spend the night at your house. But you stayed up with me virtually all night and then had a tea party with me at some crazy hour of the day. I remember taking the bus to the mall and you bought me a sticker book and puffy stickers to put into it. Then Grandpa came and picked us up.

- Finding out that Dan electrocuted himself. You made sure that I wasn't scared and that someone took me home right away.

- Whenever I'm at your house, I'll never forget the sound of you shuffling down the hall and saying "HELLO!"

- Your smile.

Grandma, where ever life takes me, know that you will always be with me. I love you.