Breaking Point

In 195 days, I'll be married.

In 210 days, I'll be returning from my honeymoon in Hawaii.

I *still* have no idea what city I'll be moving to or what job I'll be doing.

I know that I'll be married.

The above scenario scares me.

We've been living like this since June. And in many ways, we are no closer to an answer today than we were in September when Paul moved to Boulder.

I have been assured that something will happen at the end of October, by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, during January, at the end of February for sure, and now, at the end of March.

I know I should be patient. I know I should have faith in Paul that he will make the right decision for us and for our future.

But I have reached my breaking point.

It's been 6.5 months of this. 6.5 months of not knowing. Of leaving my entire future, personal and professional, in the hands of another person.

I'm breaking. I feel like there's a small crack and it's slowly breaking wide open.

Obviously I don't want to leave my home, family, and friends. I understand that isn't really a choice anymore and I'll be leaving. So I'm going and I'm okay with it. I'm keeping the faith that one day, we'll move back here and be with everyone again.

But the putting everything in my life in the hands of someone else is scary. And hard. I've been doing it for the last 6.5 months. And nothing's happening. So I'm ready to take it back and have some sort of control.

Only every time I trying to take control, I feel like I get pushed back and told to wait some more.

It's a scary thing...to put your entire life and future in someone else's hands and tell them to you trust them completely.

So I'm trying to mend the break, keep my head up, and positive thoughts.

Because apparently, that's all I have going for me right now.